Nazi cows, Nazi cats, actors playing depressed Nazis. It’s all just Hitler porn and it disgusts me
Tanya Gold
Thursday April 23 2009
The Guardian

There was story in the newspapers yesterday about Nazi cows. Yes. Nazi cows. As opposed to Maoist cows. There is a breed of cattle, formerly extinct, that Hitler apparently wanted to revive because it has significance in Teutonic myth. It was his favourite cow – an über-cow, as opposed to an ünter-cow – and it needed to be given a Liebenshed. And now one has been found living in Devon. According to one newspaper, this cow is “a symbol of the Nazi vision for world domination”. There was also a story in the papers yesterday about Coco Chanel’s collaboration with the Nazis, after they invaded her shop in 1940, possibly looking for non-Aryan dresses.

At the weekend I went to the cinema. I sat and sucked Minstrels, and watched Good, a film about a depressed Nazi, played by Viggo Mortensen. He ponced around in a Swastika tiepin, looking wracked and smiling at Goebbels. This came a few months after The Reader, when I sat and sucked Minstrels, and watched another film about a depressed Nazi, played by Kate Winslet. This comes a few months after Valkyrie, which was also a film about a depressed Nazi, played by Tom Cruise. He tried to kill Hitler with leather goods, and failed. The briefcase exploded, but the tyrant lived on.

I could go on. I could fill your eyes and ears with Nazi tat, culture and non-stories, until you turn black and white and red and go and invade Poland. I could go all the way to Moscow without passing Go and without collecting 200 stolen Rembrandts. I could tell you about the Cats Who Look Like Hitler web page – “click here to add your Kitler”. I could tell you about Norman Mailer’s The Castle in the Forest, which featured Hitler’s disgusting adolescence.

Hitler has guest-starred in South Park, The Twilight Zone, Red Dwarf, Monty Python and The Simpsons. He has appeared in a sitcom called Heil Honey I’m Home! (Not my exclamation mark.) He appears in a videogame called Snoopy Versus the Red Baron and a comic called the New Adventures of Hitler. In novels he has lived in a cage under the Kremlin and tried to clone himself. Salvador Dalí painted Hitler Masturbating. In the film Dragon Ball Z: Fusion Reborn, he escapes from hell. Am I living inside Dragon Ball Z: Fusion Reborn?